Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

I’m writing this review very late, but in the end nobody wanted to see this film anyway so I don’t feel too bad. What I have to say wouldn’t have improved its chances. 

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a great big sci-fi film based on a supposedly popular comic book series directed by master of mediocre good-looking films, Luc Besson. 

Look at how cool this is! If only it was in a better movie!

The opening sequence of this film is the best part of it. We start with space agencies from around the world coming together to work on a space station similar to the ISS. Overtime the space station gets bigger and eventually aliens show up. Not to invade, but so they can work with us. Then another species shows up, then another and another and so on. The space station then leaves on a journey through the stars. 

All this is done in silence, summing up the underlying themes of collaboration regardless of background in a beautiful way. Unfortunately this is the last time I was truly wowed by this film. 

The visuals are spectacular, this is an even better use of full-on CGI world-building than Avatar, but nothing else is all that good. 

Sequences that have no business being so long go on for what feel like hours, characters come and go without requirement (including a bizarre Rihanna and Ethan Hawke double cameo). And that’s before we come to the problem with the main characters. 

These leads are Valerian, played by Dane Dehann and something something, played by Cara Delavine. 

Their dynamic has potential as a will-they-won’t-they romantic couple, but they’re so utterly annoying that I just don’t care if the will is even there. 

The dialogue is so cliched and dull that I wanted to write the next line on the seat in front of me with blood. That way I could at least pass out by the end of the film. 

Visually, this is a really cool film. Otherwise, it’s just a load of distracting, predictable nonsense. 

Recommended Scenario: Just don’t bother. A film this good-looking should be must substantive.